Awake now... from a night of one long vivid dream. one in which, well, let's just call it Constantine-like...that is if Constantine were a Pastor & discipler.
Week two with my new schedule on the ground. Last week was fraught with exceptions. Getting back on this schedule-horse, I'm looking forward to a full day giving my attention to all things 24-7. It's people & its mission are my gain today.
Confessions of an intentional insomniac
It's nearing midnight & I should be sleeping, but I'm hesitating on shuffling off into slumber's coil. For I suspect that just as in the many nights prior, I will dream, & in dreaming will see another story unfolding, full of cryptic messages whose meanings & I can not yet fully comprehend. For this cause I hesitate... like any average C student would on entering an accelerated honors class. My 1st question, when ordinary black & white nightscapes turn vivid vibrant colors & attempt to tell me what in waking I can not hear, my 1st question is... You sure you got the right guy? My next question which always quickly follows the 1st is, "Huh?" God give me grace to keep looking. God impart to me understanding.
Did the unthinkable...
took the whole day off.
High five to Becky whose big-ask at staff mtg made this kind of Monday possible again. Big shout out to Meghan for investing time today putting out the flash fires from last night. Much gratitude to my better half, who worked on my car to be certain it could survive a day long road trip. Miss you. Will be home tonight to kiss you. Dreaming of my son's giggles, a long bubblebath, a hershey's bar, & a good Merlot when I get home.
P.S. I've noticed that each day for me is better than the one before. Yeah, my cup runneth over.
Spent the day at Duke University's School of Divinity attending afternoon lectures by stanley hauerwas & Jean Vanier the guy who started the L'Arshe communities, where Henry Nouwen spent a chunk of his years. This speaker in particular told stories of his life among the emotionally & psychologically broken, & it moved most of my friends to tears. Not me. I was moved to tears later that day... in raw gratefulness for getting to be in the company of my friends & the strong sense of belonging that overtook me there just outside a little french coffeehouse we visited today. I actually did glean quite a bit from the lectures today. But it pales in comparison to what I gleaned in the company of these imperfect but extraordinary people I call friends. They were each, bar none, the best lecture of the day.
God Has Many Worshipers,
But Few Worshipers Of God Alone.
There once was a breed of people for whom God himself was their aim & end, & not merely a means to an end. Yes, there were once & are still those whose alabaster boxes are all broken. Those of whom God Himself is their all in all. Ub1
he sat on my couch confessing his bitterness at another's brokenness & the sting it inflicted on him & his. could see that he'd been leaking out blood from that black & blue wound for months now. my first reaction was to reach for my sword to cut it wide open & let the poisonous pus burst out, but I could not. reached for some salve instead. barely touching, gently smoothed it on. whispered it in, like a secret. and in that tender press, the guy that saves lives for a living let me help him save his.
I'm not courting God like a ravished lover - No. Mine is a much messier quest. I'm courting Him like a cocaine addict - counting worthless & selling off anything that stands between having what I seek.... Scouring the deep recesses of all my comfort zones for any remnant of change that may have slipped between the cushions... every penny counts & everything that is mine is handed over that I might apprehend Him, know Him, walk in the pleasure of His presence, & in His resurrection life... Even if it means fellowshipping with suffering. Here, anchored in the sweat & snot & tears & shakes of a morning 'episode' .. my longing overtakes my logic & reason. I curse my brokenness, swear through a vow, & hand over all my gods & goods for another sight of His face, his heart, His soul... Him. I'm not courting God like a ravished lover - This morning my Philippians 3:7-12 is a much, much messier quest - I court Him like a cocaine addict.
Someone asked:
What do you believe is the most important doctrine in the Bible?
My answer:
Whichever one God is presently highlighting to the Church.
Click: they tell me...
Bobblehead Jesus speaks.
Thou shalt love & pursue God with all thy heart, soul, mind & strength.
Thou shalt not tell a lie. Not even a little one. Not for any reason.
Thou shalt not cheat, steal, or engage in any shady practices, whatsoever.
Thou shalt not talk negatively about thy neighbor behind their back. Not once.
Thou shalt speak the whole truth & not withhold parts simply because it may negatively effect you or someone's opinion of you.
Thou shalt not be greedy, lazy, nor apathetic towards the poor.
And when thou art weak... remember, I Am mercy ...and strength.
He...well, he has been a true friend since the beginning.
For him I'd fast & pray. For him I'd hope on a plane.
Red letter day. Met the God of wisdom during morning devos. Good Renovatus Lead team meeting, & a very satisfying Pastor's meeting that followed. God gave Renovatus great favor with C.O.G. headquarters today. And after many, many hours over many days, I've finally hammered out a schedule that should permit me to starting running, & leave behind the strolling pace I took when 1st said Reno-yes. Will spend all Friday in pre-ethos launch prep & prayer, & Saturday connecting with 24-7/Justice Project interns, & helping mentor leaders of a young C.O.G. church plant from Asheville. Looking forward to it. Man, I love this phase of my life, what I get to do, & who with. My cup runneth over. Truly.
A true Shepherd will not be seeking to establish their own authority over the flock, but to establish Christ's authority over the flock. For the flock we shepherd is not "our" flock, but the flock of God... for which we are in essence mere undershepherds, but certainly not mere hirelings. For this flock we gladly lay down our lives in training & discipline, in warfare & persecution from within & without, & in God-dependant servant leadership, to the end that from simplicity of devotion to Christ, they'd know God's heart, bear His likeness, & carry out His life's work in the context of their own unique callings. Leading & shepherding in this way & to this end is our own unique calling. And depsite the many trials, we do it with much joy.
How we fall is just as important as how we stand.
Fail with integrity. Repent quickly. Don't burn your bridges; Stop disguising mistakes & missteps with goodbyes. Apologize well. Don't play the blame game. Make restitution when needed. Learn from the fall. It has loads to teach you about God, about yourself, & about those who watched you fall or fail. Don't broadcast the fallings of others. Fail with humility. If you're an idiot in a certain area, be a humble idiot. Don't make excuses...make a plan. Make a plan to insure that standing is more likely under similar circumstances next time. Fall with integrity. Rise again. "A just man falleth seven times & rises again" -Psalms
For His heart known & His presence shown,
For this I traverse both the beautiful & treacherous waters within & without.
I want all of who He is. I want all of what He offers.
All or nothing at all.
So do your job, Spirit of God....
bring order from this chaos & make of me a home for Him.
A place to rest His head.
The blessings that are promised for obedience to God can not be acquired through any other means except through obedience. Apart from obedience, they can not be acquired through prayer, through fasting, through declaring nor proclaiming in faith-filled confession. They can only be acquired through obedience. Do we fill our prayer time making requests for that which only obedience can release to us? Are we asking for that which is not rightfully ours to have? If some of the blessings we desire are indeed in sync with us having met the covenant conditions, then by all means we should be heard praying both in faith & with fervency for them to be released to us. But until then, perhaps our time is better spent first asking for the heart & grace to obey, rather than first asking for the rewards of the obediences we have not yet accomplished.
The love of God is unconditional - The covenent promises of God are not.
Grace & mercy are unconditionally ours for the asking...
Intimacy with God is not.
Intimacy with God is not given by merely asking for it,
but also by intentionally cultivating it.
She blesses me by sharing her journey & commenting on mine.
hanging out in sacred text.
drawing nutrients up from the deep
while simultaneously filling this room
with the burning of worship
& the sound of two hearts
full speed ahead colliding.
one of us will be broken by this dangerous encounter.
Just voted. Was taken by an unexpected tide of emotions. Stood there alone in the booth & almost cried. It was an immersion of excitement & a sense of connectedness to history. Started to call Steve Knight just to debrief just after leaving the polls, but remembered I didn't have his number in my cell. P.S.While at the polls noone ever asked to see my I.D. Should that worry me?
In this life God has not promised to wipe away all your tears,
but He certainly has promised to wipe away all your fears...
if ya let Him.
I got to thinking about us, the way we were made…The way we are created for greatness, but can equally handle smallness if that sometimes be the road to it. The way we are allowed to take up the Life of Christ & let that deep shift transform, addict, & grab us body & soul.
I got to thinking about us -The way we are empowered to taste the Passover; judgment flying over we hidden souls behind blood stained doors. And the way we are subsquently empowered to passover transgressions from others with that same unshakeable & irresistible power of mercy & forgiveness. The way we are empowered to lay down our life for others as if it were an honor to be asked, instead of an imposition to be endured.
Got to thinking about us… Been thinking about how we are wired for greatness - The greatness it takes to take no account of suffered wrong, & to love strong enough for two when the love of one grows cold. For loving when hated. For embracing when rejected – Rejecting rejection when it comes at us like arrows. For interceding when denied- For standing against the tide… We're created for greatness.
Been thinking how we been given enough love for us & ours & for everybody else too. How we can take it, when required. And dish it out when righteously necessary. How we can go it, when the second mile is calling from out of some trying situation. Been thinking about how we can bend when flexibility is the better choice, & stand erect in the winds of foolish change.
Been thinkin' bout how we’ve been wired to hold the secrets of others & spread them spilling out like a whisper before the Lord alone in prayer. Bout how we can have that love of God spilling over, plenty for come what may protection against bitterness & criticalness offenses & grudges. Protecting one another instead of lashing out. Been thinking about how we are wired for twisting anger to peace with a calm response & gentle edifying words. For practicing ruthless mercy. For offering two garments & taking two slaps with the bigger picture in mind.For taking the high road when the low road seeks to evangelize us to its side.
Been thinking about us… About the way we are destined to bring shift change to our corner of the world with radical generosity & a revolution of goodness which runs headlong against the spirit of me, myself & I as well as the spirit of us & them. Yeah, we're called to greatness. Empowered to walk in it. Encouraged to yeild to it, to accept the truth of it. And with that acceptance, to "forever north crying freedom, run on unshakled"
Stayed in bed instead of going out pre-dawn. Made breakfast instead of bible notes. Burned breakfast. House filled with smoke while everyone slept. Put new schedule on the ground this week. The schedule works well, but I don't work so well in it. Maybe I just need an adjustment period. Stayed in bed instead of going out. Nervous about diving into the schedule of this day. Sleeping in as a quiet revolt against it. A cup of joe, a leisurely stroll in the cold morning air, & a talk with my friend, God... & hopefully His reality will meet with mine. He always has good counsel. Then, it's off into a day of patting my head & rubbing my belly. The way is narrow now, but the causes are worth it. "Get up Trinity. Get up"
The 8th? A disorganized schedule. Working late at the office tonight creating a schedule that fits & reflects all my roles & responsibilities. Won't be caught behind the 8 ball again.
While in the pulpit, I invited everyone to give today as a radical act of worship, & went on further to encourage some to give thier worship offering instead to the poor this week. Not sure if this was terribly smart, given the church's weekly budget needs, but in the moment it felt right, given our calling & the kingdom needs. Later that day, thinking about how counterintuitive that particular unction was, I asked for verification on whether that specific part was God-concieved or ill-concieved, & then jokingly told the Lord that I'd rather not do that again until I had plenty of certainty & we had plenty of money to spare. He responded by telling me that although I'd indeed taken a leap with Him this morning, next time He wanted it to be a leap of faith.
Letters from war...
Dear Friend,
Loving greetings to you in Jesus Name.
Thanks for your mail. Know that we always remember your love & courage and we always pray for you. Yes, the situation is very terrible here. In Orissa 1100 churches & thousands of christian houses & many institutions are burnt. Nothing is left. Here it is tense, but calm. We had refugees from Orissa. Today one christian componist was here. He had big buildings and a chuch & 4 vehicles. They burnt everything. He had to run for his life. He is already elderly & not used to walking. He had to run for his life 28 kilometers in de jungle. He escaped only with his clothes on. In North India they wanted to have a pastor from Orissa to testify. So John arranged for him to go & they accepted it. So this night he went & then he is coming back to stay with us, because he has nothing left. Like this, tens of thousands have lost everything & have nothing left. They are not allowed to come back without converting to hinduisme. It's hinduisme or death. One nun was paraded naked in her place before thousands & then raped by 14 man before the eyes of thousands, & the police also were onlookers! Many are killed or wounded. They have cut hands & feet of many. It is more than terrible. We are in our Mission House in Bhilai & this house has become a kind of coordination centre for the christians of Orissa. It's bad in whole India. We are never really safe. Please tell these things & pray. John has a terrible swollen foot & needs prayer. It's because of his diabetic. You must have been led by the Spirit to send this mail.
May be we are coming to Holland in April. Come & see us then.
With lots of love,
John & Marja
Her's are the voice messages I save & listen to just to hear her voice.
Something about her strengthens me.
Decisions to trust when trust seems futile & even fatal. 
Full well knowing that trust is a big part of being God’s friend. Here in my morning ritual of ruthless moral inventory, facing the worst part, that Goliath from within. Trying not to make deals with God that permit compromise; the whole time wishing there was a middle ground between right & wrong, even if it simply looks like pushing the pause button on making a decision one way or the other. The whole time saying within, ”I’m yours Lord. Save me. Standing in my ritual of ruthless moral inventory, handing all final verdicts & judgments over to a guy whose very name is Holy. Knowing He delights in me as I am, & for that very reason seeks to cut me in ways that make for a more brilliant shine. Here's where I reluctantly get atop the table, position myself under that sharp spinning blade, tightly close my eyes, & hear Him say, "This might sting a little..."
"If you are angry, don't sin by nursing your grudge. Don't let the sun go down with you still angry- get over it quickly; for when you are angry you give a possible foothold to the devil. Don't use bad language. Say only what is good and helpful to those you are talking to, and what will give them a blessing. Stop being mean, bad-tempered & angry. Quarreling, harsh words, & deep dislike of others should have no place in our lives. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, Just as God has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:26-27,29,31-32 TLB
This is the paradigm shift
That I must not simply do what I can,
I must do what it takes.
And risk drowning
To swim in the sea of His will.
Risk failing.
Risk missing the mark.
And even risk His displeasure
If I am to please Him fully.
This is the paradigm shift : "He who seeks to save his life will lose it" + The shift: "He is not dead, but sleepeth" + That I must not simply do what I can: "Look, I said you could meet here, but who'll pay for this roof?" + What I Can: "God I already went one mile. What more do they expect?" + But I must do what it takes: "The Samaritan put the man on his donkey & went to the inn" + What it takes: "It was I who touched the hem of your garment" + And risk drowning: "Stay your hand, Abraham!" + Drowning: "Lord, if it be you, bid me come" + To swim in the sea of His will: "The man to whom this girdle belongs will be bound" + Risk failing: "No! Be it far from thee, Lord" + Failing: "I told you I know Him not" + Risk missing the mark: "I will take Mary as my wife" + Missing the mark:"You Ninivites will surely die" + And even risk His displeasure: "For even ten righteous, Lord?" + His displeasure: "Then also blot out the name of Moses from thy book along with the Israelites" + If I am to please Him fully: "And they stoned Stephen calling on God."
This is the paradigm shift
That I must not simply do what I can,
I must do what it takes. And risk drowning
To swim in the sea of His will.
Risk failing. Risk missing the mark.
And even risk His displeasure
If I am to please Him fully.
Every time I see her I want to tell her all my world.
Bruce Hornesby on the iPod, my laptop keys clickty clack tapping with thoughts jotted from the prayers I'm praying like that guy Solomon prayed on his inauguration day.
Continue to circumcise my heart till it longs for none but You. Continue to sensitize my heart to Your ways & winds & words till my soul desires them more than my necessary food. Continue to mold me to companion You in ways that please You best. Continue to let me see Your face & experience Your presence & hear You speak & serve You in the spaces that make up the hours that make up my days. Continue to break the strength of my pride till humility outshines & shapes the manner of me & i find comfort in this great neediness God dependence requires. Continue to strip fear & strengthen hope & increase my stride to take leaps of faith for shots at bringing You into view for others. Standing in the context of the two commandments which engulf & fulfill every law you've ever given since the garden's tree, help me bend down, take you as my God, draw near You as my companion, & serve You as my calling. to the one who calls me the light of the world, i dare You to make it so. i follow You to make it so.
Spent about 30 minutes this morning intentionally looking into the destiny of Renovatus. Since the 1st day I caught glimpse of her years ago, she, even then, had the power to draw out second sight in me, even when I wasn't looking straight at her. So, in light of her present need & my week ago Yes, today I went & intentionally looked. Stuck my eye on the microscope & not just on the telescope. Took about 10 minutes to adjust the lens through mini, micro, & macro, & an hour to get it down on paper. Will take about 3 years to see it recognizably fleshed out.
Love does not accept another based on their strengths
Nor does it reject another based on their weaknesses.
It is unswayed by another's greatness, power, or prowess.
And it is unoffended by their great weaknesses & wounds.
Love is out for another's good & is in their corner
even when that other person is acting like a fool.
Especially then.
The greater the darkness, the brighter love shines.
Love covers instead of broadcasting.
It intercedes instead of accusing.
Not easily irritated, Love encourages even when rebuking.
Love stands firm. Love never fails.
"Love one another" -Jesus
He has called us to an impossible lifestyle & swears by Himself that He will enable each of us to walk it out... if... we would but yield.
Happy Birthday To Me.
I'm so happy!!!
Special shout out to musing m.
who got me the perfect present.
Have delivered several talks at Renovatus as an invited guest.
Sunday will be the 1st full-length talk given as a Pastor.
I'm pretty excited about this 1st milestone.
Just heard from Jonathan up in Baltimore. He called to check in on me. Him, the best ministry partner I ever had, not being here this Sunday is the only blemish in what I hope will otherwise be a great day. A bunch of my friends are coming for moral support & the appropriate after-service heckling.
Pre-dawn before morning study I wrote to God. Had morning coffee & God conversation in a kind of Twitter format. No speaking, just typing. Typing my thoughts. Typing what I imagined His would be… or perhaps they were actually His thoughts being Twittered quickly back in response. Either way, it was immensely helpful just to see the words. Short thoughts, but important ones for the day. An encouragement. A correction. A sin forgiven. Some worship accepted. Some things reprioritized. A game plan for the week. What couldn’t be Twittered or Blogged was the stunning beauty & weighty substance of piercingly sweet communion underneath it all. I mean really, where would I find the words to accurately articulate the often indescribable raw goodness spilling out from the simple act of being “attentively together”. Here is where words fail me & the typing stops… When I finally look up from my laptop, I discover that night has turned to day… in more ways than one.
Manifesto
- Living & dying daily to know God intimately - And in radical obedience & kamikazi servanthood, to carry out His life's work. ________ Having all these words be more than just words as I soul-press, excuses-crucify, life-surrender & present my body to embody the message of my friend Jesus.
January 2009
Needs More Cowbell
- Accidental
- Adventures
- Angry Aliens
- belief.net
- Boundless
- C.O.G
- Cartoons
- Change the World
- dying church
- fire on the altar
- god's [politics
- gospel driven church
- grace
- internet monk
- Jaeson
- Jimazing Thoughts…
- johnny baker
- Kamp Krusty
- kingdom grace
- knightopia.com
- moleskin
- monastic blog
- Naeem -the other1
- nakedpastor
- NLC Blog
- paris blogger
- Postmodern Negro
- Pyromaniacs
- Raves
- samIam
- small ritual
- tangible kingdom
- The Root
- tom & hilary
- visual aids
Resources
- beyond relevance
- nelsons blog
- Daily Life in a Homeless Shelter
- Geez Magazine
- leadership blog
- apples&snakes
- drudge report
- Bickle
- MCN
- Lifetv
- Bible.com
- banksy
- proost
- dis...next
- U2 Sermons
- Paste Magazine
- Donor Power
- creativegraphix
- Internet Archive
- IHOP Network
- prohetic links
- THEOOZE
- GodTube.com
- HotWorship
- Wade Taylor
- OnMovements
- Church Marketing Sucks
- Creativity Techniques
- .:::rejesus
- Worship Media Links
- RELEVANT MAGAZINE
- Bible commentaries
- Worship House Media,
- IV EXHIBITION
- Christ in You Ministries
- John Wesley's Journal
